Woah. Another year went by just like that. I didn’t want to write another blogpost like this. And, quite frankly, I thought I’d surely run out of reasons why I’m single. But no. Apparently I can go on for years (please, no). (Really, please no). The bad thing about getting older and still being single is that I have already written 61 reasons why I’m single so far and now I have to think of 32 more. It’s just not fair (also all the other things about it aren’t fair either).
Without further ado, I bring you “32 Reasons Why I’m Still Single at age 32”
- Ok, let’s just cheat right off the bat and not be original and get these out of the way. Clearly, all of these points are still valid if you just check out my 31 reasons why I’m still single at age 31.
- And let’s double cheat and just remind you of my 30 reasons why I’m still single at age 30.
- And now to this year. See that main feature photo above? That is my idea of a good time on a Friday night: hanging out at a booth in the park, helping people search for dead people (also commonly referred to as family history).
- See this lady below in the middle? It’s her fault.
This is Elaine. My young single adult ward has a singing group a local care center where she lives. I have gone there nearly every week for the last 7+ years, but she’s only been there the last year or so. Every week, Elaine asks about our singlehood. She knows that if people in the group get married, they move wards and then they stop coming to our singing group every week. So every week she tells me me she prays for me NOT to get married so that I’ll still come visit and sing. #sohelpful. Joke’s on her, though, because by not getting married, I also have to leave the ward cause I’m old. And double joke, I just moved out of the ward anyway (although, my current ward time still allows me to go, so she won’t be rid of me for a while…and therefore will keep praying I don’t get married).
- I visited a friend’s family ward this year and joined in as she taught a class of 6-year-olds. They were hellians. One little boy looked me in the eyes twice during the lesson and said, “You have an ugly face.” It’s not that I believe him and think that may be why my dating profiles are lackluster. It’s because I no longer need to get married because I no longer want children. #jokes. But seriously, kids can be THE WORST.
- I heard that love is blind. But I got LASIK this year, so I guess love is out for me now.
- Also speaking of LASIK, one of my docs was a single doc in residency (don’t ask how I know things, I just know things, OK) and he looked REALLY deeply into my eyes for a long time. Never mind he was checking to make sure the flappies on my eyes were healing well. So I can’t figure out why we still didn’t match on Mutual when I saw him on there later on.
- I am an Android person. And the LDS Dating app, Mutual, just barely made it to Android in May. I was banking all my last hopes on that app but it turns out it’s broken if you’re older than 31…or at least that’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t match with people.
- The following 2 people were my only matches on Mutual for a solid month and I was “active” in my swiping–dedicating at least 10-15 minutes a day to the practice. Who are these matches? My friends. I always swipe right on friends so we can commiserate about the murderous life of the single person on a dating app. Dusty is a guy I set up with lots of friends and Cesar’s on the other side of the country so we all just complain about dating together. I did not ask their permission to include this screenshot. #sorrynotsorry #illsetthemupwithyouthough
- I continue to get messages like the following from people on online dating (this one was Match.com): “Hey, something about your profile caught my eye. I think it was the fact that you seem like you might be more 3-dimensional than your photos, which appears to be a rare quality among the attractive women on this site… Anyways, I’d like to learn more about you. I noticed you also like to travel, so tell me… if someone offered you an all-expense-paid trip to anywhere in the world leaving tomorrow, where would you head?”
- What does it mean to be more 3-dimensional than my photos???
- Don’t worry, after the guy in #10 didn’t hear back from me, he sent me a follow-up message: “Hey, look, I’ve noticed that the particularly sharp women online wait for a guy to notice them. Then they wait for the guy to remember them and message them a second time. I’m one of those guys. This is your second message.”
- This is your second rejection
- Incidentally, my response rate on online messages has dropped to .1%.
- Also, completely unrelated, my dates from online dating have dropped to .0001%.
- Speaking of low numbers, I mentioned this in a previous post, but I try to keep a list of all the dates I’ve ever gone on. I’m not 100% sure why I do this, but it does help to remember who I went out with and when. Besides, what if one day I actually go out with “THE ONE”??? I’ll want to remember it. So, I started a new list for this year. About halfway through the year, I realized how low my expectations were because I’d written the list on the second unused half of a half sheet of paper. The other half I’d used for mapping out Christmas gifts last year and for ingredients for homemade Cafe Rio. #hopedieseternal
- Dating Statistics for 2017
- LDSPlanet dates: 0
- Mutual dates: 0
- OKCupid dates: 0 (ok, not fair, I think I downloaded it and deleted it in the same 43 seconds)
- Tinder dates: 2
- Tinder 2nd dates: 0
- Match.com dates: 1
- Match.com 2nd dates: 0
- Set-up dates: 3
- Set-up 2nd dates: 1 (Ha! You thought it was going to be 0. I broke the pattern.)
- Dates where I asked the guy out and I’m not 100% sure it was a date, but I guess it kind of was: 1
- Dates where I asked the guy out again and I’m not 100% sure it was a date, but I guess it kind of was: 0
- Another real message on one of my dating apps:
- Guy: (after like one other message) So what do you look for in a guy?
- Me: (pause because I don’t like this because it’s personal but decide to respond…guys take note, FYI) I’d say a strong gospel foundation, loves to learn and grow, and is kind. Hard to really put all my thoughts on that question down but that’s a small summary.
- Guy: I want a girl who is sweet, smart, funny, loyal, genuine, family oriented, and has similar interests
- Me (for half a second): *doesn’t sound so weird*
- Me (keep reading)
- Guy: I like nice arms and freckled shoulders lol
- Me: *face palm*
- Also me: *screenshot and send to friend and ask whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are people so weird?”
- I don’t have freckled shoulders
- You think I’m making this up? No, no, no. I have screenshots to prove these crazy online conversations. Here’s another riveting one.
- 33-year-old guy opening pick-up line: Hi
- Me: *I can’t do this anymore* *deletes app*
- One of my friends once recommended that it helps you mentally open up to someone in your life if you physically make space for someone (aka future husband), such as having open time in your schedule or even something as small as having extra room in your closet–just leave space for someone else to be in your life. My schedule was full so I thought about the second. I mean, I just bought a new home, so I had high hopes until all my clothes filled my whole closet right away. It was a nice thought. [Note: I do have closet space open in other rooms…does that count? I promise I’ll let dear future husband use the other closets!]
- A few years ago, I took a class from Healthy Relationships Utah called “How to avoid falling for a jerk”. Before you judge, it was actually really good and helpful and I’d recommend it. Plus they gave us free food.
- In my notes, there is a page about how to pace trust and reliance in a relationship. Four principles to setting the “pace” of reliance on someone I’m dating are:
- Participate in building some trust in the relationship
- Anticipate the best while watching for the worst (cautiously optimistic)
- Cooperate with building trust in the relationship (same amount of openness)
- Evaluate the trustworthiness of your partner
- These are all GREAT principles. The next section said “Write about a relationship in which you practiced these four principles…” But true to snark-face Liz (and for all you Sandlot fans out there), I wrote: None relationships, I guess.
- In my notes, there is a page about how to pace trust and reliance in a relationship. Four principles to setting the “pace” of reliance on someone I’m dating are:
- A friend jokingly suggested I take a BuzzFeed quiz to find out why I’m single (because those are super accurate and have helped millions, maybe even billions, find out which Disney character they are). Anyway, Buzzfeed told me I’m too perfect. “Simple plan ain’t got nothing on you. Smashing pumpkins? Nothing. Bet you don’t even know that song. Doesn’t even matter. You’re like a sculpture by Leonardo da Vinci, masterfully put together…You’re too good for anyone, anyway.” So….
- Want to find out why you’re single? Buzzfeed knows all!
- The sad thing is I really don’t know that song.
- One of the dates I went on this year entered a new categorization for me: “Checklist date”
- I 100% felt like I was a check mark on this guy’s to do list for that day. We met up, ate super fast, and because I could tell I was going to be checked off on the list as soon as we finished our meal, I annoyingly made him keep talking by nonstop asking questions for an additional 15 minutes. But then I set him free. Check!
- I am building a new mantra, “Better to have NOT gone on a date than to ever have gone on a date at all.”
- I do go out a bit and I realize a lot of others do not. But it’s really not that great sometimes just to go on any date or just have one more date on the list (although it does make my yearly singlehood list easier). Compatible or at least congenial dates are good, but it’s sometimes just exhausting to keep going out forever on first dates.
- One of my gal friends approached me a while ago and said she’d been on a date with a guy and they found out I was a mutual connection, at which point he proceeded to tell her how awesome I was. Two feelings: One, I felt so bad for the gal because that can be super awkward and she wondered why he didn’t just date me. Two, I had been wondering the same thing for a long time. Three (ok, I said only two feelings, but here goes): dating is the worst. For all of us.
- Because #life, earlier this year, I was at a conference on the other side of the country, in a city I’ve only ever been in twice in my life and at church I ran into a guy I’d dated years ago. He doesn’t live in that city either. In fact, he lives in an entirely different far away city, but was temporarily living in Utah at the time. So why the heck was he there? Because God thinks he’s funny by putting painful failure experiences back in my path so I can deal with them again and again and again. [Note: it actually ended up being a healing experience for me because I tend to feel like a stupid failure after every relationship and wish I’d never gotten into one at all because there are always bad and awkward feelings after. But when we ran into each other, we caught up and chatted for a while and it was like we were NORMAL FRIENDS. So, #notmadboutit. What is that you ask? No, rest assured we are never ever ever getting back together.]
- Also because #life, I decided to run a marathon this year, as you know, so I ran a half marathon for fun to prepare. Of course a guy I dated for a bit and had only seen once since we broke up years ago was working the finish line. I was the bigger person and went up and said hello and asked about his wife and family. He was super awkward about it all. Liz: 1 Ex: 0. Unless you’re counting in terms of who actually got married…darn.
- While I was writing this post, I saw a spider the size of a quarter crawling down my wall. I killed it with my flipflop. I can do hard things, all by myself, but also, the man I need most in my life right now sells pest control. (seriously, where did it come from? Spiders don’t scare me, but quarter-pounder spiders? #nothanks)
- Years ago, I was set up on a date and we went to Desert Star Theatre, which does parody musicals and plays (According to my notes, it was “Harry Potter Reunion”. I love me a man who loves Harry Potter). Anyway, they interact with the crowd throughout the play as well. As a usual course of action, they asked if anyone was on a first date. Because we were both timid (hahaha, you wouldn’t use that word to describe me, would you? I can be, I promise), neither of us answered. Turns out, they make those who raise their hands kiss each other in front of everyone. Two things: One, I’m super grateful we didn’t say we were on our first date because I would have died. Two, but what if we had? Maybe that was my magic moment chance. Darn.
- Speaking of magic moments (Sandlot must seriously be in my mind here), I did almost drown (well, I thought I was drowning) at a wave pool when I was about 11 or 12ish. I had gotten sucked into the deep end where you’re not supposed to be without a tube and couldn’t stay above the waves. The lifeguard thought I was joking and didn’t jump in until I was in a full-blown panic as I screamed. I have no idea if he was cute, and he didn’t have to resuscitate me, so it was not a magic Sandlot moment.
- I’ve had 3 guy friends recently tell me if I ever change my mind about just being friends, they’d marry me in a heartbeat. I know they’re joking, ok I don’t know if they’re joking, but I haven’t changed my mind…sorry guys.
- As a joke (I think?), two of my co-workers gave me a “Table for One” singles cookbook several years ago. I promised them I’d blog/vlog my cooking experience. I still haven’t done it. So if I can’t master cooking for one, how will I ever master cooking for two? However, I know how to microwave quesadillas for an 11 pm dinner like a boss, so what else would I possibly need to know?
- By this point, you’re probably thinking, “Gosh, this just feels like a stream of consciousness from Liz’s head…she’s grasping at straws to find reasons why she’s not married.” OK, fine, I’ll give you a real doozy for my last one. I have a hard time remembering all the guys I’ve gone out with (I know…lame). One time at a party, I “met” two new guys (you can see where this is going). We chatted and they seemed kind of familiar but I couldn’t peg it. I then *thought* I remembered where I knew one of them from. One of the guys was definitely a guy who had gone on a blind date with my friend when a bunch of us girls put together a group date to a musical. We chatted about the date and then something hit me. The other guy. “Oh my gosh, I think you were MY date!” The guy laughed, said he was and I WAS MORTIFIED. Everyone thought it was hilarious and I was dying. So then he laughed again, said he was totally joking, and I said, “Oh that is SO not funny. I would feel so stupid if I remembered my friend’s blind date and not my own blind date.” We all laughed again, hahahaha, until a few minutes later, it hit me again. “No, you really WERE my blind date, weren’t you?” And he definitely was. I could have punched him. Instead, I just died inside.
Holy hannah banana, we made it to 32. 32 real reasons why I’m still single at age 32. It’s amazing I pulled this off yet again. So let’s get personal (as if I haven’t been personal before…some may say I say too much…I say I’m writing for posterity and thus getting the blessings of doing my family history. I take my blessings where I can get them).
So really, though, 32 is weird. It’s just weird. The years go by too quickly for someone like me who wants to feel like I’m moving forward. And I am. I made a big move (literally) this year and bought a home, moved to another neighborhood, and went to my first Sunday in my new family ward after about 13 years of singles wards. There isn’t an elephant in the room here we aren’t talking about. It’s ALL I’m talking about. I’m just still here. Being single is not the hardest challenge I’ve ever dealt with and I realize that on some days it’s not even a challenge at all–being single has some perks.
But I feel impressed to share a little insight I gained. A few months ago, I got a promotion/newish job at work to be a senior product manager. It took quite a bit of work for me to get to that point and I really wasn’t sure I could make it or that I was worthy of it or that I could handle it, but I wanted to go for it.
I remember right after my boss told me I would be a senior product manager that I felt exceedingly overwhelmed. I immediately went into the workplace mother’s lounge (aka a more private space than my cubicle) and fell to my knees and cried and prayed and cried. I felt happy but completely inadequate and unsure of what I was getting myself into. As a person of faith, I poured out my heart and thoughts to my Father about it all. I don’t want to get into all the specifics because I do feel some things are not meant to be shared. But I remember asking, “Why? Why are you blessing me with this chance? There are so many others who are likewise deserving of this. I’m so grateful, but how and why?” And I felt distinctly, “I can’t bless you with some of the other things you really desire right now. But I want to bless you. And I can bless you with this.” So. Many. Tears. I’m so grateful I was also blessed with dark eyelashes so I don’t have to wear mascara and never worry about that factor in crying.
It’s no mystery what my true heart’s desire is. It’s what nearly all humans hope for and work for–strong, healthy, sustaining, companionate relationships. And my perfectionist tendencies have often led me to truly blame myself for my failures in past relationships and blame myself for not being enough this or enough that to “merit” a good companion. I’ve often gotten stuck in a rut of “Well, I failed this relationship so obviously I’ll fail all relationships so obviously I shouldn’t ever even get married.” But you know what? I AM WRONG. These 32+ reasons really just show how dang human I am, just like most of y’all are. And just like some dude is who is “somewhere out there” (cue the American Tail music). (But seriously where is he hiding out and what the heck is he doing because really, I’m not desperate so he can take his time, but really where is he???)
I’m not naive enough to think marriage is a silver bullet and that it solves all problems and that it even means I’ll never be single again. I get it, friends. I see what it can be and I see how hard it is. If anything, being single longer has given me more opportunities to see the realities of relationships. So I kind of know it will be harder than I can even imagine. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to build a strong relationship. And it doesn’t stop me from working for that in my life.
And because I like to quote myself every year, and because I need the reminder as much as anybody, I share some modified thoughts from previous years.
- My true desire is to be about my “Father’s business” and do what He would have me do and be where He would have me be right now. In this moment. I am astounded nearly every day that if, instead of asking why I’m still single, I choose to ask, “Am I doing what you want me to do?” the answer is, “Yes!” Because moving forward in faith IS what He wants me to do.
- I do actually think some of my stated and unstated reasons I’m not married are legitimate enough that I need to work on helping myself to be the kind of person that my future companion would want to marry. So thank heavens I’ve been given some extra time. And in the meantime, I have other places I feel I want to be and need to be, so I’m grateful for those other enriching and wonderful opportunities I’ve been given. I also suspect God is just letting me figure out what my life will be as I move along, so I guess I’m mature enough to handle that, too.
- God knows me. And he knows what I need. And he also knows what some future husband of mine needs. If the crazy who will want to marry me someday is anything of what I imagine him to be, he’s also out there on his knees somewhere, praying that He can do all that God wants him to do. And he’s out there serving and getting answers to his questions as well.
But if not? I am sad to report that I thought of more than 32 reasons this year, so you can hope to read 33 reasons next year. But don’t cross your fingers cause then they’ll be stuck that way forever, I’m told.
And that’s a wrap.