39 Lessons from a First-Time Mom as She Turns 39

Earlier this year, a little baby was born, and along with the baby was an introduction to motherhood for me.

Despite babysitting since I was 9 and having dozens of nieces and nephews (from both sides) that I’ve loved on, motherhood did not feel like it came naturally and has been quite the transition.

I can’t promise to be funny. But I can promise TL;DR.

39 lessons from a first-time-mom as she turns 39:

1. From the moment Baby J (as I’ll call him here) was born, there was a palpable, undeniable, and overwhelming feeling: You’re doing everything wrong. Lesson 1: You’re absolutely, undeniably, unequivocally doing everything wrong.
2. I kid. Because that feeling didn’t start at birth. It started way before as I was expecting the wee one. For every blog, video, class, article, book, research-backed scientifically documented information, etc. that resonated with me, there were (are) 25 other opinions and all of those are right, too, of course, and anything that you choose is wrong. I repeat, when it comes to mothering in today’s world, what you choose will always be wrong for someone. Why even write this blog when it will be dripping with opportunities for judgment?
3. Now, now, Liz. You say. We all judged you already for your horrible dating practices in your “single” blogs. This is not new territory, so just get on with the show. People like judging.
4. Pregnancy is rough. Pregnancy was not my favorite thing in the world. So many times I asked, “Why would anyone ever do this again?” But I can’t believe how even a few months has changed my perspective. I didn’t think it could happen, but you forget things. You realize you made it through, and it wasn’t forever. And now we have the sweetest little chubbers. I understand a little better now.
5. We need our village. Just as happened for our wedding, people showed up for us in so many ways. We had beautiful and bounteous baby showers where our lovey was given many things. We had family and friends pass things along for the baby and for me—so many things I didn’t even know I needed or wouldn’t buy for myself (like maternity clothes—I do not like clothes shopping and some family members and friends who shared clothes were the biggest blessing). We received so many new and hand-me-down clothes for the babe that we’ve only had to buy a few sleepsacks and nightgowns (when he was a newborn, we loved these for nighttime diaper changes). Our village is the best.

6. The entry into motherhood is kind of brutal. Hour one of motherhood: There was a lot to process. Baby J was born via c-section.

7. Some people like birth stories. After Baby J was born, I felt a great need to share my story—to share what I went through. But sometimes when I wanted to share, other people wanted to share their own stories. I think they needed to. I think I needed to. So I’m going to share a bit here. For some, birth stories are still a little taboo. So skip to around #19 if you don’t like birth stories.

8. Babies gonna babe. The back story: I wish I could have talked to someone about this so I will share even though some may think it strange—I have a bicornuate uterus. It’s a congenital abnormality that makes the uterus a heart shape and the baby often sits to one “side”. It can make it difficult to carry a child to full-term because they run out of room and…some other issues so I was anxious my entire pregnancy. The most common thing my doctor had seen (with this uncommon thing) was breech babies. And Baby J made sure to listen hard when she said that and stayed breech the entire pregnancy. That and some other issues (and my age) meant I was monitored a lot.

9. You can try everything and things still won’t work out. We tried just about everything you can do to get our breech baby to turn, but he liked his cozy place and besides, my uterus shape likely did make it more difficult for him to flip. Yes, a version (manual attempt to flip) is painful but it’s only like 8 minutes of pain. Well, that plus the extreme disappointment you feel if it doesn’t work. We had scheduled a second attempt at a version and if it worked, they planned to induce me into labor but if not, they would then move me to a c-section. Delivery day was planned.

10. Plans are just plans, not reality. Three days before the scheduled delivery day, I finished up my last day of work before leave. Steve and I went to the temple as a last little moment together before the baby to feel some peace about all that was to come. Before going to the temple, I was feeling kind of strange and had these wild thoughts about what would happen if my water broke at the temple—like, what would I do? And what would they do? I almost called my brother who works at a temple to see if they’d have to throw the chair out or what. (P.S. I didn’t call but the answer is that they can clean nearly anything.)

11. Intuition is strange. Phew! It didn’t happen, but at the temple, we ran into a friend who asked when I was due (Me: In a week, but c-section scheduled in 3 days) and she shook her head and said, “I think that baby’s coming tonight!” In my heart, I had felt he wasn’t going to wait either—I didn’t think he was coming that night, but I had a strong impression he was coming the next day.

12. You can kick your way out of almost anything. On the way home, we got ice cream and dropped by my sister’s to see her new car. The babe was pretty wild that whole time. We got home and he kept kicking and kicking nonstop and things were just feeling weird. I was trying to finish up a blog so I could get it up before the babe was born. Suddenly at about 11 pm, my water broke and boy did it break. In birthing classes, they tell you that when your water breaks, it’s not really like the movies. Mine was like the movies. I started laughing so hard and yelling for Steve to grab towels and to get our stuff ready because off to the hospital we had to go—now we knew it would be a c-section that was not on our timing. I also pushed publish on the blog really quickly.

13. They say when contractions are real you just know it even though you can’t describe it. I started going into labor with small contractions as we called the hospital and got our things ready. It was a super snowy night (pressure drop—the hospital was busy), and we drove slowly as more contractions came more quickly.

14. Labor is intense but also somehow beautiful? They were waiting for us at the hospital and got us in quickly. I was progressing pretty rapidly for what I’d heard about first-time mums. But there was another mother who needed an emergency c-section so she bumped me out of line. I was just laboring away with Steve by my side for a couple of hours while we waited—they knew I was doing a c-section so we didn’t have labor support there, AND they really didn’t want me to do anything to move it along AND the monitors couldn’t pick up the contractions for some reason so they had no idea how things were going. I was in a lot of pain.

15. Some things are just for us. Then, my nurse came in to check on me right as I was having a strong contraction and she was like, “Uh oh” and she ran out and yelled down the hall that I needed to get into surgery ASAP (I’m guessing she saw what I was feeling—if we didn’t hurry she’d have an unmedicated breech delivery on her hands. People have done it. People still do it. I am not people). Off we went and from there, I will keep some things in my heart because some things were scary, some things were sacred, and some things I have somehow blocked because I can’t remember them. But the most beautiful child was born.

16. C-section grief is weird. I grieve a bit about how he was born as I don’t feel like I delivered him (because I didn’t) and because it wasn’t what I ever wanted and all the things. But I’m managing those feelings sometimes.

17. Birth is a miracle. I also rejoice because I was just so grateful he was here and had arrived safely. I love love love this baby.

18. Birth is also scary. Day one: a bit more trauma a few hours later as I hemorrhaged pretty badly—a few miracles in there as I had a rockstar nurse and something like 7 other people in the room who were throwing things and numbers around while I silently panicked and tried to breathe deeply to get through it while Steve had to head off with the baby for testing. And when I was finally all well and good even after no sleep all night, I drank some water and threw up a few times, so I get the whole ice chip thing now.

19. Telling people is so much fun! Our parents knew we were heading into the hospital but no one else so we had a fun surprise the next morning as we made calls and texted—one of the first to my sister to tell her “Hey, so we had our baby but let’s not go over that now. The dog is home alone and needs to be fed and taken out to go potty. Can you please do that? We’ll call and update on the baby thing later.”

20. C-section recovery is a beast. Week one: C-sections are way worse of a recovery than I could ever have imagined. Walking was so painful and doing anything was painful. Nursing had a few hiccups for me but the babe did beautifully. We settled into a life of no sleep and deep, deep abiding love for a wee one.

21. You all came to hear about the baby not about me. People just want the baby. He was and is absolutely beautiful and perfect and I love him beyond all reason. I had kind of expected to feel this overwhelming surge of love when I met him and I didn’t. As I contemplated that later, I feel it was because I already loved him so much before he was born. I loved him simply because he was and is mine.

22. Get a friend who has a baby at the same time as you. One of the greatest miracles was that a friend/co-worker had her baby 3 days after mine and we became a constant middle-of-the-night nursing session text chain talking about all the things and feeling all the feels together.

23. Make new friends but keep the old. Another strange blessing was that another friend was having a hard time adjusting to new meds and was often up in the middle of the night and kept me company via text as well.

24. It’s OK to have a black hole text message dumping ground. An even bigger blessing was that my mom was NOT up in the middle of the night as I texted her every emotion under the moon: that I was so tired, that I didn’t know what I was doing, that I didn’t think I was cut out to be a mom, that I loved the baby so much I never wanted him to grow up, that I had no idea how she managed 6 of these little things because I was dying with just one. My poor mom.

25. Get some good books. I would like to thank The Unselected Journals of Emma N. Lion for being my nursing books. I loved them so much that I looked forward to nursing sessions until I was through book 7 and I really need Beth Brower to pick up the pace on her next books. Please read them and give Beth all your money so she’ll finish the series.

26. Parental leave is a huge blessing. Finally, just a few short years ago, my employer introduced paid parental leave (it took way too long but I am grateful to have benefited after taking zero sick days for YEARS in the off-chance that someday I might still be working for the Church when I got married and had a baby so I could use them to have a paid leave and didn’t have to because I had a real maternity leave). Anyway, Steve works for a tech company so his leave is generous, and I am overwhelmingly grateful for the time he got to spend with us both. I needed so much help even past the full six weeks “they” say it takes to recover.

27. Again, I say, parental leave is a huge blessing. Did I mention there is a BABY you take care of while you’re recovering from an exceedingly painful surgery? Three cheers again for parental leave. Steve is an amazing dad.

28. The social medias are not real and you don’t have to do what influencers say. The social medias will have you believe that every mom just wants to be left alone and that she doesn’t want people holding the baby because she wants to, etc. I loved having people come and visit and love my baby. I needed people—there may have been a few times it was too much, but overwhelmingly I needed it.

I specifically remember a day when I just prayed and prayed that someone would come over and ask to hold the baby because my arms were so tired from holding him and I needed a break. The prayer was not answered, BUT again the lesson: not everyone thinks it’s unhelpful if you offer to hold the baby.

Just not, like, all the time, though. I did (and do) want to hold my baby a lot. I waited a long time to become a mom and I have kept a lot of those baby snuggles and cuddles to myself.

29. Healing is real. I thought I would never be the same and never feel good again after my c-section. Some things may never be back to normal but after some physical therapy, some lingering pain went away and I was finally able to run without any pain just a few weeks ago. I am so grateful we can heal.

30. Travel with your baby. So many people told us to travel before the baby was mobile as it was much easier, so we did an amazing Alaska trip with the grandparents at 5 months. It was the best, and the baby was a total champ the entire time (despite  full outfit change blowouts in the most inconvenient places imaginable—on a moving bus as we toured Denali, on the boat tour in Kenai Fjords National Park, on the fishing boat for salmon fishing, and everywhere in between). We had also done a quick trip to Capitol Reef at 3 months old and at 6 months we visited family in Colorado. We have had SO MUCH FUN making these memories as a family. It’s totally doable even when you can pack all your own stuff in a carry-on and the baby needs his own checked luggage + 2 gate-check items + your personal item is his diaper bag. Side note: nursing while hiking is next level.

31. Introducing food is stressful. We were all in favor of a baby-led weaning approach and got a few days in when we realized that it was terrifying. Baby J grabbed a pancake strip and chomped, chewed, and swallowed so fast! This is a good thing and he absolutely could do it. But it all scared me so we have done more of a hybrid approach—with some “smashed” foods and purees. Introducing allergies is not for the faint of heart. Baby J had a swift reaction to a nut introduction so now we’re going the rounds with an allergist figuring out next steps. But as one friend said, now that we have an epi-pen, we shouldn’t be as afraid anymore because we can quickly respond to anything. Somehow, I’m still terrified.

32. Choosing a doctor is stressful. Is everything stressful? Yes, everything is stressful. We actually switched after his first appointment because our doctor felt a little judgey. And we’re not sure our current doctor is a good fit either. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

33. Childcare. Ugh. Once I was back to work, we were so lucky to have friends and family who cared for Baby J until Steve took his second half of parental leave. We had planned on a full-time nanny after that and… we’re still working on it bouncing from a temp nanny to a college student to a neighbor to family again. Nannies are hard to come by and they must be in high demand because some ghost you, some don’t show up for scheduled interviews, and one even told us last minute she wasn’t coming for her trial day (that’s a paid day they watch so you can see how you both feel about each other). It’s already hard enough trusting someone with your child but going the rounds on this is making me batty.

34. Sleep is not really a thing. Every time we talked to people for the first 6 months, they asked how sleep was going. I’ve never talked about sleep so much in my life. And I’ve never slept so little in my life. Sleep deprivation IS torture. It is brutal; it is depleting; it is exhausting. My worst hour continues to be 3 a.m. Luckily Baby J is mostly sleeping through the night now. Sort of. Anyway, I could sometimes make it fine until 3 a.m. and I would just break down crying or feel like I’d totally lost my mind. It’s harder when you start back to work, too.

35. Going back to work was and is hard and good. As I started back in, it was good because I had something else to focus on besides my anxiety and constant googling of everything about babies where (of course) I was doing something wrong. I needed a reason to think of something else. But it was also exceedingly difficult, and I have so many feelings about returning from leave and working and everything. I’m low-key a mess about it.

36. Child development is fascinating. Steve and I have spent countless hours just staring at our little baby in wonder. We love watching everything he does. Every hour, every day, there is something new, something different. We’ve loved watching his growth and his development and are in awe of the miracle of child development. Each new stage is beautiful and fun. We are in a particularly fun stage now with such an interactive little sweetheart whose personality is filling our lives with more joy every day.

37. Naming a child is hard. Steve and I didn’t finalize the name until about 3 hours before leaving the hospital. It was our top name from the beginning but we still weren’t sure because SO MUCH PRESSURE. And we weren’t sure of the combination. The night before his birth I had felt peace about the name we were considering but even still…it was hard. His first name was the middle name of Steve’s brother who passed away a few years ago and it is in honor of him. It’s a Danish family name. His middle name is from my side—my dad’s middle name. And he has both of our last names—my last name is a second middle name and yes we know we are saddling him with a complicated life as a result, thank you very much.

38. There’s a lot of other stuff. This blog is getting long; I just needed to get to 39. Maybe I should have started a new blog with 0 things for the age of the baby. Anything else I need to talk about? Ollie swaddles and Halo bassinests were awesome. Hanging high-contrast photos near your changing table produces adorable results (see below) He’s in love with the dog (see below) and the dog loves that he’s eating food now. Reflux sucks (sorry, mom, I know we don’t say that word in our family). And Baby J still won’t take a bottle no matter what we try. Send help.

39. Just you wait. When you have a child, there are so many “just you wait” comments that it can drive you wild because nearly all of them are negative. Oh, you’re tired? Just you wait. Oh, he’s [fill in the blank]. Just you wait. It all gets worse. I would like us to stop this trend and start a new one. A dear friend in my neighborhood gave me the best “just you wait”. She said she knew my life was good and I already loved the baby but “just you wait” for the amount of joy and love I was about to feel. She said she was so excited to watch and see that happen. And it was true and is true.

This journey into motherhood has been harder than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I knew it would create challenges with me understanding who I am. I knew it would create feelings I’d never felt in wild proportions for good and for ill. I knew it would be hard on my marriage (side note: it still is not as hard on a marriage as backing up a trailer is).  I knew it would challenge my thoughts about what work and employment mean to me. I knew it would do all the things that you may also know about the transition to parenthood. I just didn’t realize to what extent. Powerful, powerful feelings.

I needed extra time off beyond my maternity leave to successfully transition back to work and I was lucky I could make it happen. I am now a huge advocate for providing mothers more leave time.

Due to construction in our offices, I was able to continue fully remote up until just a few weeks ago. I am a strong advocate for flexible family-friendly policies for work. I feel that rigid in-the-office requirements disproportionately harm mothers—both those who have to return to the office and those who may be the spouse at home who has to pick up the load.

I am a strong advocate for fathers having bonding leave—it was helpful to me and so wonderful to see Steve get so much time with his little buddy.

I return to where I started. I know I’m doing it all wrong—I will always be wrong in someone’s book. It is hard to know what the right thing is, and the options are endless for baby care these days. Do do do. Don’t don’t don’t. It’s overwhelming; it’s anxiety-inducing.

And even so, here I am, trying to make it happen. I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the right questions. I do have ChatGPT and that has helped me out a ton.

And I do love the small child. I didn’t understand that I could love someone in the way I love him. And I think he might love me, too. He at least likes to nurse as evidenced by his thigh rolls. He does love to be held and cuddled. He loves our daily walks with the dog and would probably spend his whole life outside if he could. So perhaps I’m learning that even with his back-arching diaper changes, his penchant for pulling hair, and his kisses that have turned dangerous with two new teeth, that’s what love is.