For those who are new to my life in the last year (not entirely sure how I met new people in the pandemic, but you do exist), welcome. Please know this list is a JOKE. It is haha funny. LOL. *tears running down face emoji* #funny. I am not desperate. Not at all. OK maybe a little.
BUT, the history. Once, when I turned 30, I thought it would be funny to write a blog about why I was single. Why? Because people asked me all the time how on earth I was still single. And I had answers; oh, how I had answers. And it was kind of funny when I turned 31 to write another. And then it became a habit, really. (35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30). (Did it bother you that I wrote those in reverse order?)
This year I saw a meme that said, Question: “Why are you still single?” Answer: “Just lucky, I guess.” Maybe that could have saved me from writing this blog if I’d learned that earlier, haha.
But dearest darlingest friends, I hate to say it, I think this will be the last year. Not only does my mother not want me to ridicule myself anymore, but…I just don’t know that I will have anything funny to say. Life has hardly been funny the last year for anyone.
Except for this. This was funny.
Yes, I tied ribbons around Ginny’s ears to make her look like Dobby. She was so ashamed. I am also ashamed.
Also, Instagram Reels about dogs are pretty funny. Good job, Interwebz. You found a way to redeem 2021.
Anyway, presenting this year’s (sad and sorry lame list of) reasons why I am single:
- COVID-19. Copy and paste from last year’s blog.
- Around October last year when I was still trying to figure out how or if I could manage the cognitive dissonance of meeting new people and dating during COVID-19 I realized I just couldn’t do it. I am grateful so many others could; I really am. But it was destroying me with anxiety. So I deleted Mutual (the dating app) which was basically my last way of meeting people anyway. It stayed deleted through:
- January. OK, in January I got on for like 3 seconds and deleted it because no.
- In January I also set a goal that once I got vaccinated I would maybe possibly potentially consider getting back on a dating app again. The app remained deleted through:
- March. Got my first shot and thought my goal was a stupid goal because I still didn’t feel ready.
- April. Got my second shot, but wanted to be fully vaccinated to meet my goal so needed to wait the two weeks.
- Then….downloaded Mutual in May. Downloaded Bumble, too.
- Matched with a few people. Freaked out about all of everything.
- Deleted Bumble.
- Unmatched with all the people I’d matched with on Mutual. I still feel a little bad about that but none of them had been actively chatting with me too recently. Sat with my feelings for a while. Tried again.
- Went on my first dates after all this mess with two different guys two days in a row in July.
- Neither were a really great match, but both were very nice, vaccinated men. (Yes, I did try to set both of them up with some of my friends. No, neither of them took me up on it. Yes, they were flattered by the offer.)
- Oh yeah, I added this to my dating profile: “Fully vaccinated and looking for the same. Never thought I’d put that in a profile tbh.” Because seriously, friends, it’s just easier in a pandemic world to figure out who you’re going to be most compatible with.
- So yeah, COVID dating, it’s really fun.
- Enter Delta Variant. Increase anxiety. Bwahahahhahaha.
- But hey! In the middle of all the time away from dating (as if Mutual were the only thing that kept me from dating), I got a nice (hahahahhahah) note from a guy I’d dated before.
- He told me he thought my blog was funny (but for some reason did not like his involvement in my reasons I’m still single). EVEN SO, he decided to give me two additional reasons, from his perspective, as to why I am not married. So:
- Reason #1
- Reason #2
- You’ve got to be kidding me if you thought I’d write what he said. Maybe some of it was true but also maybe wrong time, wrong place.
- Glad I date guys who help me write this blog.
- Let’s go back to the future for some other examples. Just this year I found out the real story from high school where I asked a guy to a dance and then found out he was dating someone but he still said he’d go with me (yes, you heard it in a previous blog). Well, apparently, the reason he said yes was because my younger brother told him he had to. Because my younger brother had my back and didn’t want me to be hurt. Which in retrospect I really appreciate because I had planned the entire girl’s choice dance with a ton of my friends and it was a dinner at my parents’ home and all my amazing young women leaders prepared the dinner and it really would have been a bummer if I couldn’t have found a date. #blessyoubrother
- Speaking of said brother, he and I did a terrible thing to my mom one time. She felt so bad that I never got asked to school dances. Honestly, I was mostly OK about that in high school and actually threw “Save Your Money” parties on the dance nights where I invited all my gal friends to come to my place instead of going to the dance, and we had amazing parties and I still look back on those get-togethers as some of the best memories of high school.
- But I digress. My mom felt bad about it. So my brother and I schemed and one day played up a whole story for her about how I had been asked to a dance. Oh we hyped it up and we played it so well. And she was excited for me. And then we told her we were the worst children in the whole world and it was all a lie and I don’t exactly remember if she actually cried, but my conscience tells me she did. I think that I am still paying for that sin.
- In college I was set up with a really nice tall guy. A basketball lover. On a second date, he invited me to a BYU basketball game. Somehow prior to the date, I had injured my back and I was in pretty bad pain, but I didn’t want to cancel. (I’ve since learned from WebMD that unexplained pretty severe pain in your back is probably a heart attack, but also probably you just slept wrong). OK, so I had probably slept wrong, but I still wanted to go. The team was playing really well and we were in the student section and the entire section was standing up the whole time. And every time I tried to stand for more than a few minutes, I was in horrible pain. So I just kept sitting down while he stood and cheered. I tried to explain to the guy but it sounded whiny and fake. In retrospect I should never have gone. He never asked me out again. #stillfriendsthough
- I used to think it was rock climbing. I’m into a lot of things, but I’m not really into rock climbing. Side story. One time a guy asked me on a date to go arboring (I think that’s what it was called?) and I didn’t know what that was and he said he’d teach me. But then he said the weather wasn’t going to work for it so he said we’d figure something else out. So I dressed like a normal human bean. And it turns out the “something else” was hiking to the top of a waterfall and rappelling down it. In my normal clothes. I was definitely unprepared and then I was soaked and scared and unhappy and I feel really bad because it was all just a miscommunication, but nevertheless I was a bad date. Anyway, I’m not super into rock climbing and in previous years, rock climbing was a HUGE thing for guys on Mutual–they all wanted a climbing partner. But not so much anymore. As mentioned, now it is pickleball.
- So I was introduced to pickleball way before it was cool for the youngsters. In my church volunteer service for a couple of years, I served for all the congregations in Utah as the sports communications director. That meant that I ran a website and provided regular email and other communications to about 500+ units all across Utah (but mostly Salt Lake) about how to run sports in their local congregations. But I distinctly remember a training that we had on pickleball where we were introduced to this “up and coming sport” for the senior population and discussed how or if it could be implemented in our Church sports. We looked at how buildings could be used for the courts or looked at areas that had courts already. I played pickleball at the training that night and had a fun time. That was years ago. Now it’s popular with all the kids and guys’ Mutual profiles are filled with comments that they love pickleball and want a partner. I have only played pickleball once since that time, so I guess this early adopter is now underqualified.
- Also tacos. Men on Mutual love tacos. A lot. I like tacos and I am happy to eat them. I just don’t know how to talk about tacos. “You’re gonna miss me by my walk; you’re gonna miss me by my taco.”
- Speaking of things men put in their profiles. Men put things like, “Please don’t be crazy.” I can’t promise that.
- Also, “Please no drama.” I just…I…OK. But I kind of feel the guys who write “no drama” in their profiles are the actual drama llamas.
- When people have asked me in the past what kind of man I’m looking for, I have often said, “I want someone who will run with me.” What I mean by that is someone who is willing to take life by storm and be a doer and be willing to jump in and help and live life with love and purpose. To join with me in my personal motto to do as much as I can, for as many as I can, as often as I can, however I can.
- Nevertheless, if we interpret this loosely, I already got myself a running partner last year.
35. This. (Except it should say *you’re according to our commonly accepted texting practice. And some capitalization is needed. But you get the point.)
36. And finally this. I recently bought a new pair of capris and a skirt on the Interwebz. This flier below came in the package. This is what marketing thinks of the person I am based on my style. I have no response to that.
That list sure flew by this year, didn’t it? Lest ye be mistaken, even amidst everything going on, I am happy. I am extremely grateful for what I have been blessed with. I love the life I have been given. In many conversations with single friends, the discussion now turns to how hard it will be to really let someone else into our lives because what we have is pretty darn good and we’d hope that whatever is to come would be better, but that means it has to be really good, not just pretty darn good. I am still hopeful it can happen.
[I couldn’t figure out a good transition here so insert your own]. One thing that’s been interesting about the pandemic is that there have been massive numbers of men on the Mutual app. Because it is so hard to meet people IRL, it feels like way more people have flocked to the app to try and find love. And I’m all about it because it increases the dating pool. Also, an interesting byproduct of the pandemic is that there are a fair number of people who have relocated to Utah during the pandemic because they are “work from home” status and coming for a new scene, to be with family, or for the theoretically better dating pool. I will just say that this is currently working in my favor.
But here’s a thing. In all my joking, please know that I know the pandemic is no joke. There are lots of feelings about it. But FOR ME caring about and loving other people are very important feelings and they override a lot of other things. To quote someone who has more weight than I do, please just “do all you can to help bring COVID numbers down in your area” (Russell Nelson). I get that we don’t like the pandemic–that’s why we should literally be doing all that we can to help it go away, to lessen its effects, to care about people’s health, to care about the healthcare system that is bursting at the seams, to care beyond our borders about how the pandemic is ravaging the world (and real people who are my friends) where others don’t have access to the resources we do, to care about facts. Maybe if the only reason you do get vaccinated or you wear a mask in public places even when you don’t want to is so that Liz’s dating life can be funny and fun again, let that be the reason. I am OK with it.
You know how at the end of Lord of the Rings, there are several false endings? Well here’s the final ending to this year’s blog. “I am glad you are here with me; here at the end of all things.” After all of this and these many years of blogs…. Remember friends. It is a complete lie to believe that there is a “reason” that you are single, or that your friend is single, or that that one guy you know is single. We all are loved, valued, and worthy just as we are. Our idiosyncrasies and our marital status in no way make us “less than.” Louder for those in the back: there are no “reasons” that you are single.
But as for me and my house? There are 231 reasons.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.